It is so hard being a Buddhist.

I just killed two giant house flies that were driving me crazy. And then I had to feel badly. Now I have to pray for them. That's OK, but I have never suffered much in the guilt department, and now even swearing at other drivers makes me pause. Where is the fun in this program? I wouldn't continue my practice, I don't think, if the fun didn't far outweigh the lack thereof.

For instance, the other day, because God is a great jokester, I had what turned out to be a good Buddhist experience. I had had a very difficult week with a friend who is very sick. I had, for the time being, given up on all my brilliant ideas about what he needed to do to get better. So, I had spent the week taking care of him. I bathed him, fed him, rubbed his feet, and vibed my love. It felt good for both of us. I took away my fear and consequently the pressure I was putting on him to get better.

After I had said farewell and was leaving California on Shawn's Rideshare, I was sad and pretty worn out. Early in the morning , the van picked me up. There were only 13 people on board and out of the millions of possible riders leaving town at that exact moment, seated in front of me was the mother of a guy who had gone to jail for trying to strangle the very friend I had just been with. When I saw her, I almost threw up. I pretty much never throw up, but this was just like a punch in the gut. Then I almost fainted. (ditto about fainting, only twice in my whole life).

I nodded at her and took my seat and shut my eyes and started, like a frantic maniac, saying my favorite Buddhist mantra. (I can't spell to save my life especially in Sanskrit, but it goes something like this: gate, gate, paragate,parasamgate, bodhi swaha.) I did that for about twenty minutes until I calmed down. Then, I tapped her on the shoulder and greeted her and told her I was preoccupied but not to take it as rudeness, it wasn't about her.

We were in that van for 7 hours and I felt fine the whole time. I had been afraid of running into her for a few years. I had thought about what I might say. I wanted to share my hurt with her. Gone. All that was gone. And the gift that I got in that van has kept on giving all week. I have had at least three very healing encounters with people from whom I would never expect such a thing. I have been blessed over and over again just in this very short time. Go Buddha!

And if I really think about it, I wasn't really annoyed at the house flies. I was pissed off at myself because I can't find my window fan. I can't remember where I stowed it. Sorry flies.