I have to get a plan.

How am I going to decide where I want to live? No joke. I have no idea where I want to live. In part this is because as soon as I land somewhere and develop my little routine...coffee, swim or walk, good book exchange, some spiritual practice and lovely nature, I am at home. And as soon as I am fully at home, I start to think about where I might go next. I have talked about this aspect of my twisted unnatural personality before, but now it is becoming a more pressing problem because I have hit a wall a few times with my re-entry from nomadism.

I have a lot of amnesia and a good measure of avoidance going for me. An example of this is that I am day dreaming about where to go to follow the sun next winter. What I am forgetting is that when I came back to the US last winter, I was sick and needed help and had nothing set up. It is hard to set things up when you are already diminished. But, now that all seems so far in the past that I am thinking that I can wait a few more years before I make a decision.

This, of course, puts an excessive strain on those people who care for me. Firstly, because they care about my well being. Secondly because they would have to come up with solutions or help when and if I can't do it myself. But, doesn't that often happen in one way or another in so many eventualities? What if I get Alzheimer disease? Same problem. What if I break my back? What if the spot on my lung is "C"?

I have recently watched some of the best planners I have ever known come up against the need to depend on others. I am not saying that I will not make a decision. I am not saying that I will not make a plan. What I am saying is that I am really skillful at not doing anything and I won't have a lot of faith in any notion of permanence when I do. I am working diligently on my self made Buddhist program of "Do Nothing, Be Nobody." and this need interferes with it.

One thing I have been enamored with is the idea of building a very small house in some city. That idea gets me excited and then makes me tired. I have an old idea of making something by myself, that is carving the door, hand painting the tiles, welding the metal, going insanely green, but then I realize that that might be an unfulfilled idea from long ago hippie days. I am just not that interested in things to give them so much energy. Part of me  could see me growing older in a totally zen scene with one bowl, one spoon, one pillow that kind of scene and at the same time I like the idea of great down comforters, deep soft couches, silky smooth fabrics, great hot baths. I am confused.

My only solution is to put it out to the universe and stay awake to what comes up the clearest. This has worked in the past and I don't see why it should stop  working now. I do feel guided. I am leading the life I wish for. That's a good thing.