This is one of my rants. I would love for my theory to be proven wrong, but so far, I am pretty much dead on right. (good for my ego, bad for all of us)
"Love is blind". I think a little of blindness is necessary at the falling in love stage. In this theory I am mostly talking about second chance romances and not so young people looking for the right partner. This is a huge population in US society now. My theory is that many people are evaluating the 'relationship' from the moment of the first meeting. They are looking for and evaluating everything. The expectations in a partner are humongous. Too huge for mortals to fulfill.
The 'other' seems to need to be; best friend, soul mate, lawyer, shrink, spiritual adviser, support in whatever I want, care taker, income generator, teacher, lover, playmate, coach, fashion consultant, dreamer, financial consultant, 'there for me', loyal, 'mine', minister, all of the above and more I can't fathom.
I think of my parents. By the time sixty something years had passed in their marriage, they were all of these things for each other, but they still had others who filled these roles. When they first encountered, they fell for each other across the room in a first class at grad school. Their backgrounds were entirely different. Different religion, different heritage, big family vs small family, but the blindness of love brought them together. They grew together. They had five kids, careers, good times and bad times.
My mother was entirely a beach person. My father didn't know how to swim. They sorted it out. They didn't start with the check list for a perfect partnership and eliminate each other because of the of short comings they would have perceived.
I know a lot of mistakes were made in the good old days and there were plenty of miserable marriages, but there were also lot of good solid families. God, I sound so old fashioned. I am trying to get to the notion that without the early fabulous falling in love, if they had used the relationship check list it never would have had a chance. The big love, the blind love, the goofy infatuation, gives people a lot to fall back on when times get hard.
You develop lenses that see the good in each other. They are the same lenses that we develop when we have a baby. No matter how that baby looks or acts, we find it all adorable, perfect, exciting, the one and only on the whole planet in all history, and thank goodness for that because we have to see with those eyes no matter what comes.
I think this is a pretty romantic viewpoint. I think it is filled with flaws and loopholes. I also see so many young people waiting, looking, being critical of themselves and others, getting hungry for a partner and knowing what they want, but not being willing to take a chance. Getting that "If I only had the right woman, man " vibe going. Bad vibe that.
In our society we don't like risk. We don't like to fail. Parents go through contortions to keep their kids for failing. Everyone on the team gets a ribbon, everyone in the parade gets a 'best costume', everyone at Harvard gets an 'A' in every course.
Some of the best romances in all history failed. But, what passion, what excitement!
There is also something to be said about the energetic interchange. If we look at anyone and see the best in them, they act and react with their best. If we look critically, seeing all their flaws, we somehow activate the negative in the other.
In the Buddhist teachings (I have talked about this in other contexts) we say that if you want something, give away what you want. If you want support, be supportive. Don't demand support. It doesn't work that way. If you want love, be loving. If you want peace, be peaceful. I am trying. I have not mastered anything. That is why I can be such a wonderful "wounded healer".
I wonder how this resonates with you, dear reader. I wonder whether you have had the big love and whether it has turned into a real partnership. I wonder if there was a moment when that commitment became for real through thick and thin, for better or for worse. Let us hear your story.
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