Heavy Heart

Formerly, I wrote a post about all the adjectives I use to describe friends; good friend, best friend, old friend, sweet friend, sort of friend, and so on. Today I am thinking about the words I use to describe my heart. I have a heavy heart today. Some days I have a broken heart or am light-hearted, or have a singing heart or a pounding heart or an anxious heart or a full heart or a bursting heart.

If these were literal states, I would probably be under a lot of heavy medication. (The average person my age in the USA takes 8-12 big time meds per day.) But maybe these emotions that I feel in my heart ARE somehow taken on as physical aberrations. Norman Cousins, in his book "Anatomy of an Illness" talks about the day he was getting on a plane to deliver yet another lecture and he turned to his wife and said "My heart is no longer in this." Soon after he had his first huge heart attack. He didn't have the heart for his work any more. Really. And he cured his problem with laughter and became a medical school lecturer on the subject. Know any good jokes?

When I was getting divorced, long long ago and far far away, I felt like I had a broken heart. It literally felt physically broken. It hurt. When I get stage fright, my heart flutters. I never do get checked out in the middle of this emotional moments. Why would I? But I start to wonder how the old body can keep bouncing back to homeostasis. I am certain that one can die of a broken heart. I am not sure you really could explode if you were very excited. Doesn't it feel that way sometimes?

When I saw my dear grand daughter Bella after 7 months of not seeing her we both were almost overcome by how much joy, relief, love we felt. Full heart. Does too much blood actually stay in your heart when you get that feeling?

Today my heart is heavy. I already said that. When I went for a walk this afternoon, I felt like I was carrying a bag of bricks on my chest. I think the bag is the sadness I am feeling. Someone I love is suffering greatly right now, and I can't think of a thing I can do to help relieve her suffering. I try to send joyful light-filled thoughts to her, but I gotta get the bricks off my chest first.