Hitting the Wall (again)

This is the existential question: Why am I here? Only for me, for now, it is about geography. Why am in in Ashland, Oregon ? I really can't think of any reasonable answer. I feel like I am on the run. I fled the bugs and cold of New Hampshire. I fled the running around in small circles of Marblehead, MA. I fled the cold and isolation of Rockport, MA in the winter. I came to Ashland for many reasons. I had great friends here. I love the mountains. The climate is less horrible than New England. No bugs.

Now my friends are either moving away or away gallivanting most of the time. I live in the same house as my friend Greeley and we only see each other 20 nights a year. And the distances to civilization are huge. Six hours to San Francisco, eight hours to Seattle. I'm getting too old for this. And the winters are not so nice. Too much grey. I have talked about this before. So, I go Nicaragua. Why do I come back here? Why Nicaragua? Why don't I have anywhere I care about? I have talked about this before, but today I am feeling floaty. I have many places I love, but whenever I think about putting down roots, I cringe.

I start gardens everywhere I live, some big, some small. Almost all of them carry on. That is cool. But I never plant fruit trees and see them grow. I make friends (thank God!) but we are always visiting, coming and going.

This is distinctly starting to sound like a moan.

I think I have to make a decision. I think it would be healthy to call somewhere home even if it doesn't actually change a thing I do. I think I need this, therefore I will do it. After my kids left home and I sold my house in Marblehead, I called my parents' house "home". "I am going home to see my family and friends." My parents are dead and the house is sold. This has something to do with this moment in my life.

These feelings could also have to do with the fact that I don't have a commitment  to anyone or anything. Well, I do and I don't. I am committed to writing this blog. But that is completely at my discretion. As I lay this out, I am getting a clearer picture. Thank you for listening. The thing I feel is missing is a project, doing something fun and hopefully helpful for other people. I will meditate on this. The funny thing is that I really did figure this out a few weeks ago, without the agony, but then forgot I had done so. Gracias a Dios! Anybody on board?