I am floating.

I have no anchor. This is a state I have enjoyed (endured?) in the past. Sometimes when I have dropped anchor for what feels like too long, I can't wait to get on the road. I crave the unknown and the unexpected. Right now the opposite is happening. I have dropped into so many places and taken up so many people's lives that I am dreaming of a my own spot on the planet with my own sense of order and a bit more control over my life.

That being said, I am simultaneously content. I am blessed with spectacular friends and relatives who are interesting and diverse. I have almost no possessions and enjoy the freedom that gives me. When I really think of settling down, I feel weary. The foundation feeling is wishing I could wave my magic wand and have the perfect cottage appear by magic. Is this about a condo in Florida? Is this about a cabin in Western Massachusetts ? Is this about the south of France? I don't know, the vision fades.

This past weekend my grandson was especially nice to me. I asked him at one point what he was thinking and he said "By my calculations, you have at most 20 more years to live, so I want to make the best of them." He was generous in his optimism. I am 69 and friends are already dropping like flies. But, that being said, I enjoyed the fruits of his thoughts.

I also ran into another limit of age. I hate that. We were kayaking and at the end of the trip, we hit a cross current and my strength was low. I paddled as hard as I could and was going backwards. I had to be rescued by the strong guys. I have to learn to be more gracious about these new limits to my strength that keep popping up. And I have to appreciate what I still have. I can walk. I can swim. I can hear and see. I can read. I can follow the gist. Not so bad.

In a strange way, my friends all say that they don't want to be a burden on their kids when they get infirm. In Nica, the elderly weren't considered a burden. I don't think there is one retirement home in that country (unless it is for expats). The salient point is "considered a burden." If having an elderly person around is just part of life, then there is no burden attached. It is just another of the joys and trials that are part of life, much like having kids. And there isn't the problem of extreme cost and displacement and the kids having to dutifully make visits all the time.

I just wish there was an easier way for everyone. I wish I could have it all. Maybe I can make some magic and manifest a perfect next step. Somehow, that has happened so far my whole life. Why would anything change now?