When I read most books or watch most movies, this objectivity is obvious. I am not a Chinese woman during the Cultural Revolution. I am not a Russian countess. I am not Theodore Roosevelt on a river in the Amazon. So, being involved and yet not part of the story is easy.
Real life makes this a lot harder. In the past, I have used a simple technique that John Gardner taught me. I pull my viewpoint far away and look down on the situation as if it were a play that I was watching. This allows a certain objectivity that helps get things in perspective. I can get the same help from telling someone who doesn't have a dog in the fight. A little outside perspective always helps.
But when it is a big, personal, emotional, life threatening deal and I have all the right answers and I know exactly how things should play out and the other person doesn't - well, things get a lot harder. I know! Meditation. Prayer. Pleading with God. Promising to become a nun if I get my way. (I did this as a 10 year old and was so relieved when I didn't have to - mostly because of the shaving the head thing that was necessary in those days) Let Go and Let God. I know and I am pretty good at all these things. I can make my prayers sound like greeting cards, so perfect, lovely. Why don't they work then?
Is it possible that I don't know the future? Is it possible that I am not God? This can be extremely hard to bear. Is it possible that my back is not strong enough to carry my burdens? Yes. Yes. and Yes.
My friend Lisa teaches us in Satsang, teaches by her example, to go deeply quiet. I used to be very good at this. I was always very good in emergencies, going to that still place and acting like I knew what I was doing. One of my best moments was in Concord, NH many (33) years ago when I found myself at the public swimming pool with about 50 kids. At that exact moment there were no other adults and only one lifeguard. She had a seizure and fell and cracked her head on the cement. This was long before cell phones. I became a strong general. I ordered the kids out of the pool, told two older girls to go to a neighbor and call an ambulance, covered the lifeguard with a towel..all the right moves. Because of my calm and my authority, the kids all sat quietly out of the water and everything worked out well.
The deal is that I went outside my personality, got strength I don't own and managed. Sometimes, especially of late, I don't find myself doing that. I have a little hysteria that is closer to the surface. I have been thinking (saying) that I am more fragile. One of my kids tells me that that is a self fulfilling mantra. But I think it is right. What I have been forgetting when I feel weak is that I don't have to carry this load. I am not a donkey. I can let some strength come into me. I am not the master of the universe. I am a servant. And the phrase that gets me going on this much better, much calmer, much saner path is "This is not my circus."
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