I am messed up about money. Unconfuse me.

I have done a strange dance in the money world. I have had strong influences. The end result is that whether or not I have money, I am uneasy. My ideals are pretty emotional. I am pretty judgmental.I need to get this straightened out in this incarnation. It is getting boring not 'getting' it

I guess I'll start at the first thoughts I remember. I remember the nuns telling us about St. Francis who, like Siddhartha, gave up enormous wealth to purely follow  his spiritual path of renunciation and being 'one' with the poor. But, I was also very taken by the story of Joan of Arc who led an idealistic war. St. Francis won out because I was named for him in my middle name, and because my Mother was so very devoted to him.

But, there was a problem. We did not have great wealth for me to depart from. We were middle class in almost all ways except for the fact that my Mother's family had had plenty to send her to prep school and college and buy her a car during the depression. (A Packard Roadster convertible with running boards). I was born in 1944 during the war. We lived with my Mother's family while my Dad was serving.

Extremely influential in my early life was a recurrent dream I had about being a gypsy girl with curly dark hair hiding outside a barracks in a Nazi concentration camp. I was tortured by this dream long before I knew what it was about. Remember there was  no TV in those days. I saw my first movie when I was eleven. Several things that must have influenced my feelings about money were the result of that dream. I love to have few or no possessions. I love packing my backpack and walking down the road. (the gypsy thing?). As long as I can remember I have hated any form of oppression and repression and had great solidarity with the poor. Was this a carry over from a recent past life?

But on the other side: in spite of or because of the middle class thing and Mother's history, I went to boarding school, great summer camps, lived with nothing lacking. I was very entrepreneurial in my teenage years. Several businesses kept me in luxuries (selling candy during study halls, delivering the New York Times), a great summer job on Nantucket kept me in travel funds.

I hung out with both very rich and very poor friends.Then along came the hippie era. We wore peasant clothes from third world countries, We traveled like Gypsies, we played Robin Hood a few times. We had utter disdain for anything or anyone connected to corporate profits. Yet, ironically, most of my friend's hippie lifestyle was supported by trust funds. Or parents who bailed us out. And being communitarian, we were all pretty much supported by trust funds.

It was also an era when the almighty dollar went a long way. AND earned interest in the bank! So, we were really poor, some of us dumpster diving, and completely taken care of.

Then came Vietnam and the political days, followed by the spiritual renewal times. All glamorizing the fate of the poor. And we had kids. And we were finally poor. And I read and saw how the richest nation on earth exploited the land and the people all over the world, with ideals like democracy as an excuse.

I got very good at living on little or nothing. I was very bad at earning money. To date, my best paying job of my life payed $26,000 with no benefits. The Waldorf School. By now my kids and friends and relatives were suffering for my choices.

I worked hard. I took care of the refugee foster kids, I did aid work in Latin America, I fought for equality and justice. How many times did we storm into Senator Kennedy's (may he finally rest in Peace) office with a new issue? But I never 'monetized' anything.

I now have a deeper darker attitude toward the US domination of the world. I am more alarmed at the rape of the earth and her women. I know money can be put to good use. I have seen that in action. I like living a simple life. I still flail at injustice and ugliness and propaganda, and I still worry my friends and family because, finally, they take care of the gaps.

I know somewhere inside me that if I had had the passion, I could have made good money. I have many great ideas. I just need to get over myself. I suppose that is the answer to most of our hangups. Get over yourself.