I Only Get Around to Praising the Lord When Things Are Really Bad

I think it is kind of a desperation bargaining move. If I can think of enough good stuff for which to be grateful, then the current unpleasantness will surely go away. I suspect that that is how my devious mind works. Sometimes I wonder if this is a kind of built in part of our make up. I remember when I was quite young having a conversation with God. In my conversation, I promised that if my mother didn't find out what I had done, I would become a nun.

Now for a little Catholic girl in the fifties, making this promise was no small matter. Even then I dreaded having to shave my hair off and wear that black 'habit'. As soon as I made my promise, I was terrified that my mother wouldn't find out. So, in order to avoid God's everlasting wrath, I fessed up. That is pretty twisted, but that was how my mind worked then. I remember the moment clearly. I was standing by the stone wall near the cellar door next to the clothesline and a Rose of Sharon bush. I almost never used that as a bargaining tool again.

I have thought of becoming a nun again. Sometimes I have this fantasy, day dream, about this almost empty convent outside of Antigua, Guatemala. The gardens were gorgeous, colorful peasant women were growing the veggies, the chapel was lovely. The priest only got there once a week. My romantic picture had me praying peacefully in a garden all day. The magenta bougainvilleas rippled in the breeze. You see my picture. I get this escape fantasy when the burdens of life overwhelm me.

The nuns I have known in my adult life worked in the devastated villages of El Salvador and were often the life line for the whole village. They worked from dawn to dusk and then often all night. That was another kind of romantic fantasy for me.

But back in my mundane life, I do find I am sometimes not so very different from that little girl next to the rock wall. I get all up with the gratitude lists when I am feeling the worst. Maybe I'll get a break if I say 'thank you' enough. Maybe I'll get a second piece of pie if I smile enough. Maybe I'll not have to do the work of creating inner piece if I can think of all the good things in my life. And sometimes, just sometimes, a little magic really does happen and I do start to feel better.