Is it possible that our ways of functioning in the world are the same as they were when we were kids? If I had a paper to write, I did the reading and found information right away. Then I thought about it and avoided thinking about it and then one night I would write the whole thing in a great burst of inspiration. I was often way ahead of the kids who hadn't done the reading or the research, but I was also incapable of working on it nightly in regular allotments. I had to ruminate and then find my jumping off point.
Well, it seems that that is my approach to almost everything I do and don't do. It feels as though that is what is going on on this thing about writing my book. Only here are the problems; I have had my whole life to do the research. It is done. I have made this announcement that I am about to do this. I have the time and the space to do this now. And I feel pressure. I created this pressure and now it bugs the hell out of me.
This is a bit of a spoiled brat whine. But it is my reality. The thing is that I have never been good at doing things for myself. I still struggle with a ton of impulses toward self-denial. Old habits are hard to break. So, every time I stay in a nicer hotel instead of a tolerable cheap one, I have to have a little talk with myself. It is OK. I am OK. It is OK to treat myself well. It is fine. (my little self-lectures)
But on this big thing about writing the book, I can't put the effort into it unless I have a higher motivation. So, dear readers I will attempt to do it for you. (That feels better already) I will do it for my ancestors and dependants. Feeling better and better. For the glory of God! (don't get carried away, Jules)
I am overwhelmingly bored by writers writing about their writing so I beg your forgiveness. I will keep this crap to myself from now on. Promise. In the meanwhile, I am going to take a big walk on bad flip flops and then need a foot massage to recover. Nice cycle, isn't it?
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