Once I might have said "I am an independent woman."
Now, I wonder "Who is this I?"
Is it my body, spirit, soul, mind?
Take any piece away and am I not "I"?
Not so sure, anymore.
Also not sure about being separate from anyone else or everyone else. I do feel suffering when I think about children (especially) being hungry. I cry for others suffering. I jump for joy when good things happen. I worry about being a random bunch of atoms randomly interacting with other random atoms. I have watched many births, some deaths. What is the body thing about? I have experienced losing my spirit, betraying my soul, mini bouts of insanity. Or were those the moments of breaking through to ultimate reality?
When we took drug in the sixties, many of us were trying to reach the outer limits, to have a mystical experience. Some did. Sometimes we just got more fucked up, more lost. Most recovered.
The "am" part, I can't even fathom.Am I stuck in samsara? Am I here for a reason? Do I have a great purpose? Did I accomplish it at a young age and the rest of my life is just hanging out? In moments of clarity it all feels perfect. I do know that I endlessly meet the people I am supposed to meet. I think every encounter is important. Is that my mind just playing games?
I assume that all my readers have been here before and beieve me, it is not my first time.
About the "independent" part, what can I say. It matters little that I raised my kids and supported us for a lot of years. It matters little that I bought the house and car and all that stuff and fixed it all and kept the show on the road. I am 100% dependent 100% of the time. I never even got any good at growing my own veggies. I tried making everything from scratch in the good old hippie days. I even spun silk to make wicks for beeswax candles. But, oh ya, the bees and the silk worms...even the fruits and the veggies, does it all come down to the bees?
My ideas of independent were fully based on where I was born and what generation and who my parents were and my education and economic status. Even my ideas of independence were dependent. I rest my case.
About the "woman" part. I have noticed that for many people, age wipes out a lot of gender distinctions. I am speaking energetically. I often don't get any different vibe from seeing two old guys talking than I get from seeing two old ladies interacting. Sometime in old couples, I look twice to check which is the man and which is the woman. What's that about? Probably hormone levels. Can't say.
A lot of my "I" is about likes and dislikes. I like warm weather. I don't like meat. I like dogs and cats. I don't like rats and snakes.I don't like wars. I don't like oppression or repression. I like a good story but I don't like being lied to by my government. I like fine china and I don't like mugs for my coffee. (a lot of silent suffering caused by this). And none of this matters a drop when things get "real" like at births and deaths and meeting love and confronting hurt.
For the most part, my happiest moments are when I am doing something useful for others. Shrinks can have fun with that, but I think my deal is that is when I forget myself for a bit and in doing so, connect with the non-I, I am more real. Meditation in action.
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