"Mother Mary Come to ME, Speaking Words of Wisdom

Let it Be, Let it Be, Let it Be, Let it Be..."

OK, What was Lennon talking about? I hear these words in my head some days. Well, today I heard them on a sound system and that reminded me that I hear them in my head often. Mother Mary was a big deal for my mother. She was Irish Catholic from around Boston, MA, USA and her mother prayed often, daily, to the Blessed Mother.

Ma had reproductions of paintings by the Masters of Mother and Child. She also bought paintings of women with babies and called them her 'Madonnas'. She was like that. The story she told me when she was old, that I related at her funeral, went like this: When she was very young, age four, Dr. Uniac, who lived across the street, came to her house to take out the kids' tonsils. Mother was the youngest and therefore the last of the four kids to be put on the kitchen table for the operation. After watching her brothers and sister have their surgery, she was petrified. Her mother told her to go into the living room, go down on her knees and ask the Blessed Virgin to take care of her. She did so. She was filled with calm, and marched back in the room and got on the table for her operation.

I love the faith my grandmother had. I love the faith my mother had. I love the blessing that she received for her faith and the fact that she remembered that feeling 80 years later. I don't think that was exactly what John Lennon was singing about, but that is what I am reminded of when I hear his song.

I have had a few such moments in my life. One was when I was standing near a tree on a freezing winter night in New Hampshire experiencing great despair and I felt arms surrounding me and a feeling of being taken care of over came me. Funny, I can't remember what my big problem was, but I remember the feeling of unconditional love that soothed me.

I find myself thinking of the Virgin Mary when I am worried about my kids. I find that if I really get quiet and connect with her spirit, I feel the loving arms of a mother around me. Then, for the blessed moment, I can "Let it Be."

This dog thing...are dogs people?

Dog History

How were Dogs Domesticated?

By K. Kris Hirst, About.com Guide

Larry and Butch - A boy and his dog at the beach

Dog history is really the history of the partnership between dogs (Canis lupus familiaris) and humans. That partnership is based on human needs for help with herding and hunting, an early alarm system, and a source of food in addition to the companionship many of us today know and love. Dogs get companionship, protection and shelter, and a reliable food source out of the deal. But when this partnership first occurred is at the moment under some controversy.
Dog history has been studied recently using mitochondrial DNA, which suggests that wolves and dogs split into different species around 100,000 years ago: but whether humans had anything to do with that, no one really knows. Recent mtDNA analysis (Boyko et al.), suggests that the origin and location of dog domestication, long thought to be in east Asia, is in some doubt.

European Paleolithic Dogs

Part of the puzzle of the domestication of dogs lies in the Upper Paleolithic of Europe, beginning perhaps as long ago as 30,000 years.

• Read more about European Paleolithic Dogs

Evidence of a Certain Domestication Partnership

A burial site in Germany called Bonn-Oberkassel has joint human and dog interments dated to 14,000 years ago. The earliest "nobody-argues-about-it" domesticated dog was found in China at the early Neolithic (7000-5800 BC) Jiahu site in Henan Province. European Mesolithic sites like Skateholm (5250-3700 BC) in Sweden have dog burials, proving the value of the furry beasts to hunter-gatherer settlements. Danger Cave in Utah is currently the earliest case of dog burial in the Americas, at about 11,000 years ago.

Dogs as Persons

A reanalysis (Losey and colleagues 2011) of dog burials dated to the Late Mesolithic-Early Neolithic Kitoi period in the Cis-Baikal region of Siberia suggests that in some cases, dogs were awarded "person-hood" and treated equal to fellow humans. A dog burial at the Shamanaka site was of a male, middle-aged dog (probably a husky) which had suffered injuries to its spine, injuries from which it recovered. The burial, radiocarbon dated to ~6200 years ago (cal BP), was interred in a formal cemetery, and in a similar manner to the humans within that cemetery. Losey and colleagues believe the dog may have lived with its human family at Shamanaka.
A wolf burial at the Lokomotiv-Raisovet cemetery (~7300 cal BP) was also an older adult male. The wolf's diet (from stable isotope analysis) was ungulates, and although its teeth were worn, there is no direct evidence that this wolf was part of the community. Nevertheless, it too was buried in a formal cemetery.
These burials are exceptions, but not that rare: there are others, but there is also is evidence that people of the Kitoi culture (late Mesolithic fisher-hunters in Baikal) consumed dogs and wolves, as their burned and fragmented bones appear in refuse pits. Losey and associates suggest that these are indications that Kitoi hunter-gatherers considered that at least these individual dogs were "persons".

Haplotypes and Grey Wolves

A recent study led by Robert Wayne (vonHoldt et al., below) at UCLA and appearing in Nature in March 2010 reported that dogs appear to have a higher proportion of wolf haplotypes from grey wolves native to the Middle East. That suggests, contrary to earlier studies, that the middle east was the original location of domestication. What also showed up in this report was evidence for either a second Asian domestication or a later admixture with Chinese wolves.

Dog History: When Were Dogs Domesticated?

It seems clear that dog domestication was a long process, which started far longer ago than was believed even as recently as 2008. Based on evidence from Goyet Cave in Belgium, Chauvet cave in France, and Predmosti in Czech Republic, the dog domestication process probably began as long ago as 35,000 years, although the oldest evidence for a broader relationship, a working relationship, is at the Bonn-Oberkassel site, 14,000 years ago. The story of dog domestication is still in transition itself.
Evidence for the appearance of breed variation is found in several European Upper Paleolithic sites. Medium-sized dogs (with wither heights between 45-60 cm) have been identified in Natufian sites in the Near East (Tell Mureybet in Syria, Hayonim Terrace and Ein Mallaha in Israel, and Pelagawra Cave in Iraq) dated to ~15,500-11,000 cal BP). Medium to large dogs (wither heights above 60 cm) have been identified in Germany (Kniegrotte), Russia (Eliseevichi I) and Ukraine (Mezin), ~17,000-13,000 cal BP). Small dogs (wither heights under 45 cm) have been identified in Germany (Oberkassel, Teufelsbrucke and Oelknitz), Switzerland (Hauterive-Champreveyres), France (Saint-Thibaud-de-Couz, Pont d'Ambon) and Spain (Erralia) between ~15,000-12,300 cal BP. See Pionnier-Capitan et al for more information.

Modern Breeds and Ancient Origins

A recent study of pieces of DNA called SNPs (single-nucleotide polymorphism) which have been identified as markers for modern dog breeds published in 2012 (Larson et al) comes to some surprising conclusions: that despite the clear evidence for marked size differentiation in very early dogs (e.g., small, medium and large dogs found at Svaerdborg), this has nothing to do with current dog breeds. The oldest modern dog breeds are no more than 500 years old, and most date only from ~150 years ago.

That's one contemporary view of the dog scene. If you think about the oldest paintings and weavings in museums, there were almost always dogs depicted in the art. The kings and royalty always had wonderful dogs around, different breeds typifying different countries. In modern times, you can't think of Queen Elizabeth 11 without the Corgis, and so on. But what strikes me lately is that we are once again, in some countries, anthropomorphizing dogs. Is that the right word? I mean making them into humans in our minds and actions. I am guilty of this. My sister Sarah and I had actual, almost sane sounding conversations, about how much Ralphie (the dog) enjoyed talking to me on the phone. No kidding. I daily hear people tell me what their dogs thinks. Or, "he's saying 'thank you.'" Huh?

So, lots of questions come up in my mind. Are we craaazy? Have dogs evolved so much? Are they actually better than most people? Are we lacking the ability to help people, animals are so much more grateful? How long would it take for a dog to revert to a wolf? Do we have an historical memory of when we needed dogs for protection?  Do we need that more and more again? What's with the pitbull epidemic? Are dogs better than people. Does it cost less to have a dog in suburban USA than to send a kid to college? So many questions.

Just thinking about this today as I am currently living in a house with three dogs and they are indeed a center of attention.

Running on Empty, An Image of Our Times

When I was sick, I felt all the time that I was running on 'empty'. Then I was using up my basic structural body. I was loosing bone and muscle and brain. When I think of planet earth, and I think of how we have sucked out so much oil and coal, and minerals, and gases and we have burned them up while spreading toxic substances and creating new ones, I see kind of the same picture. We are not just living on the earth, we are sucking out the very substance of it, burning it up. When we cut down the forests and plow huge swaths of land, we are removing the oxygen from the brain of the earth.

The wisdom and the homeostasis have been wildly disrupted by the human parasites, eating and multiplying at the core as well as the surface and the atmosphere. I couldn't get over how susceptible I was to other infections when my balance was ruined.

I can't but picture the earth as a living breathing being. I used to be laughed at when I'd mention that nature abhors a vacuum and when we suck out the oil and gas, there had to be seismic shifts. People of more education than I have would laugh at that picture. I stick by my mental image. We can't sit on empty spaces under the ground and under the seas without something happening. We can't use up the forests above ground and still create the bones to sustain the earth. The wise mind of the earth can not be so muddled by humans, that her wisdom is inaccessible.

I don't even think this is a big leap to jump from my situation to a world wide one. We are microcosms of the macrocosm.

Speaking Truth to Power

But what about speaking truth to the powerless? There seem to be a lot of Americans who don't accept the fact that the US is supposedly a democracy and Obama kinda, sorta, won the election. They also don't accept that a majority of Americans really don't want to overthrow Roe v. Wade. They never accepted the idea that a majority of people don't want to 'stay the course' in Afghanistan, and so on. The vast majority of Americans actually believe that Obama is a US citizen.

George Bush made a great leap forward for the non democratic ideal when he shrugged his unburdened shoulders at the massive, never before seen, world-wide protests before the invasion and conquest of Iraq started. He said it was not his job to listen to public opinion. He was the 'decider'. Echoes of dictatorships? I think so.

My question is "Is it worth trying to get the ignorant misguided minority to actually realize that they are ignorant and misguided?" I think not. I think speaking truth to power is the stuff that creates saints. I think the courage of people who stand up to evil practices, disregarding their personal sacrifices is the greatest power there is. I always picture the courage of Gandhi's people in the salt protest in India. They were completely non-violent, totally courageous, and they brought down the British Empire.

At the same time, I think we are completely wasting our time trying to change the minds of people who think that rape is God's will and having an abortion after a rape is the criminal act of destroying evidence in a legal proceeding. Jesus Christ! How can you talk back to that? How can you talk to people who think we are the only democracy in the world? How can you talk back to people who think that teachers should have machine guns in their desk drawers? How can you 'reason' with people who think that destroying countries will make them love us? How can you talk with people who think that people of color are by nature inferior? (Right Mormons?)

My theory of the day is that it is a big waste of time to have those discussions. Unless you are making comedy, it is really a futile activity. If you try to be reasonable, you are already engaged in a dumb conversation. We should better spend all our wealth and our energy and our mental genius working on making the world a better place, a fairer place, a safer place. Those are the worthy engagements for our times, not arguing with stone age thinkers who have been brainwashed by hillbilly preachers and radio nut jobs.

Confession

I forgot to do yoga.
I am considering cheesecake 'light ' food.
I am no more patient than I was when I decided to practice patience.
I shy away from sick people these days.
Walked by myself, forgot to bring Michael Moore.
God! Sometimes I am such a spiritual lightweight!

Making a Profit, At What Cost?

Maybe we should limit the percent of profit a company can make until the time when the company attends to the common good.  By this suggestion, when a Walmart or a Monsanto makes over a set amount in annual profit for its investors, they would have to spend a certain amount of their additional profits paying their workers, cleaning up their working conditions, curtailing their pollution, lowering their carbon imprint, making their products safer for the consumers, for the earth, making a positive difference for life.

I don't think this is unreasonable. Unbridled capitalism has shown itself to be unbridled selfishness incarnate. I have nothing, absolutely nothing against making money. I have nothing against making good or great bank but who ends up suffering and paying for the overwhelming greed of certain companies? The answer I see is "everyone". When workers at Walmart end up getting food stamps and qualifying for Medicaid, who pays? When employees in other countries starve while workinng full time, who pays? When the toxic products of Monsanto like Agent Orange cause terrible cancers on both sides of an occupation, who pays? When Monsanto sprays its strawberry workers while they are picking the fruit, who pays? Toxins, pollution, misery don't tend to stay where we put them. They spread into everyone's life. We loose our good water, our good air, our good will on the planet.

I don't think it unreasonable that the common wealth that is God given should be cared for ahead of the common greed. Or at least after a reasonable amount of profit has been realized.

My PHD in economics comes from running a marginal household on a marginal budget and still having some extra to share.

Act 3, The Everchanging Landscape

Yoga. I guess it is the only option. I've just simply got to get back to doing some yoga. I mean, I was never any good, but we know that that is a false judgement...after all, it is a practice without a finish line. I've got to get back to some practice of yoga because I once heard someone say "A flexible spine will be reflected in a flexible mind."

I never could have appreciated how getting older would require me to become more and more flexible. I had this picture of settling in, reading more, relaxing more, letting go slowly into the twilight years. This is so not what's happening. We have to learn new stuff everyday, like how to do huge parts of our lives on increasingly tiny pieces of equipment. But mostly it is the minute to minute re-visioning of our lives, our futures, our physical and mental status that is such a big deal.

When I got divorced, many years ago, one of the shocks was that not only had I lost a lot of the past (I had counted on having P.'s memory of events to bounce off of), but I had lost my picture of the rest of my life (growing old together, kids weddings, family yardsticks). I had to re-vision my life. It was a painful process, but I was young and I did it.

But after all my talk about planning for old age and how we need to do a better job than our parents, I was knocked over by my needs and my inability to think clearly when I was so sick the past few months. Louis and Gretchen who were visiting got me through it. My kids offered the moon, but here I was practically too sick to get to a doctor, and terrified of going back to the States in fucking January, and there was a flu epidemic there, and I don't know any medical people there and Good God! I couldn't decide whether to put cream in my coffee, let alone what to do with my possibly sicker future. I was caught with my pants down, so to speak.

I know this can and does happen at anytime in our lives. I know this. But the odds are increasing daily that these big surprises are coming. How many people do we all know who have big plans for retirement and then, they drop dead without having a chance to live them out? How many people build a life around a spouse or a friendship, then find themselves alone?  I had a big story that didn't hold up when it was threatened. My big story was that the most important things to me were to be warm, surrounded by beauty, flowers blooming, to have real care, not a lot of medical appointments. By care I mean, nice food, clean sheets, foot massages, that kind of care. Sunshine, warmth, beauty. That was my story.

When I got really sick, I wanted to be near my kids and grandkids.  I wanted to see their faces often. Then the usual, "but I don't want to be a burden", but a sick parent is a burden. Is is less so, if I am in a warm country at least a day's journey and a thousand bucks away? I don't know. No.

So, I find I need the flexible mind and if I don't have my mind, I need some loving family to step up. I am going to start doing yoga and I am going to have more real talks with my guys and I am hopefully going to have the new and revised emergency plans that can kick in when needed.

I am still reading this awful book The World According to Monsanto: Pollution , Corruption, and the Control of the World's Food Supply. We are all going to face a tremendous amount of illness with the GMOs causing pancreatic cancer, reshaping of internal organs, world hunger, and the re-introduction of Dioxins into farming practices,and the Bovine Growth Hormones giving us pus and infection in our milk and so on and so on. As if the little old fashioned parasites weren't cause enough for concern! We have to have flexible minds, flexible spines, and a whole lot of loving kindness to pass around. Gracias a Dios y a mi familia, y a mis amigos.

Maybe someone has a suggestion of an amusing book to take my mind off things!

"How Like an Angel Came I Down"

I am inspired to include again my favorite poem, because I had a little of this experience as I went out on the town today. The fog really is lifting.

Wonder

By Thomas Traherne
       How like an angel came I down!
               How bright are all things here!
When first among his works I did appear
       O how their glory me did crown!
The world resembled his eternity,
               In which my soul did walk;
       And ev’ry thing that I did see
               Did with me talk.

       The skies in their magnificence,
               The lively, lovely air;
Oh how divine, how soft, how sweet, how fair!
       The stars did entertain my sense,
And all the works of God, so bright and pure,
               So rich and great did seem,
       As if they ever must endure
               In my esteem.

       A native health and innocence
               Within my bones did grow,
And while my God did all his glories show,
       I felt a vigour in my sense
That was all spirit. I within did flow
               With seas of life, like wine;
       I nothing in the world did know
               But ’twas divine.

       Harsh ragged objects were conceal’d,
               Oppressions tears and cries,
Sins, griefs, complaints, dissensions, weeping eyes
       Were hid, and only things reveal’d
Which heav’nly spirits, and the angels prize.
               The state of innocence
       And bliss, not trades and poverties,
               Did fill my sense.

       The streets were pav’d with golden stones,
               The boys and girls were mine,
Oh how did all their lovely faces shine!
       The sons of men were holy ones,
In joy and beauty they appear’d to me,
               And every thing which here I found,
       While like an angel I did see,
               Adorn’d the ground.

       Rich diamond and pearl and gold
               In ev’ry place was seen;
Rare splendours, yellow, blue, red, white and green,
       Mine eyes did everywhere behold.
Great wonders cloth’d with glory did appear,
               Amazement was my bliss,
       That and my wealth was ev’ry where:
               No joy to this!

       Curs’d and devis’d proprieties,
               With envy, avarice
And fraud, those fiends that spoil even Paradise,
       Flew from the splendour of mine eyes,
And so did hedges, ditches, limits, bounds,
               I dream’d not aught of those,
       But wander’d over all men’s grounds,
               And found repose.

       Proprieties themselves were mine,
               And hedges ornaments;
Walls, boxes, coffers, and their rich contents
       Did not divide my joys, but all combine.
Clothes, ribbons, jewels, laces, I esteem’d
               My joys by others worn:
       For me they all to wear them seem’d
               When I was born.
 

 

 

When Donna and I audited Robert Coles Freshman English class at Harvard University, we had read some of his books, and knew of his fame. One thing I got a kick out of was his agreement that anyone who came to his class and read the books would get a "A". He knew that if his students did so, they would get what he was teaching and he didn't need tests and papers to prove to him that he was successful. So in came the freshmen, by the hundreds. The football teams, the hockey teams, the basketball teams and so on. They wanted their "A".

Billie Holiday was singing as we entered. He assigned simple books of The Grapes of Wrath variety. He opined that this might be the only course wherein the students might view the world from the underside, after all, they were going to be the leaders of the world and the power brokers, and probably the big bucks so it might humanize them to consider the underclasses.

I thought the class was very spiritual even though it was run just as an other college course. I was thinking about this today on Martin Luther King Day. Who could have dreamed that we would have a black president, educated at Harvard and enjoying his second inauguration on King's birthday? Coles, like King, saw the great injustices and saw the value of each person.When I read the poem (above) and remember that we are all God's children, made in the image of God, I am so grateful for the human teachers like King, like Coles, like the poet so long ago, who re-re-remind us to remember where we came from.

Blessing or Curse? I Don't Know. Just What Is.

When Subcommandante Marcos of the Zapatista uprising in Chiapas made one of his famous speeches (and he was a great speechifier), he started with a long list identifying himself. (This are my words in imitation of him):

I am Subcommandante Marcos. I am a North American Indian at Wounded Knee. I am a peasant in El Salvador. I am a woman in Afghanistan. I am a child soldier in Somalia. I am a farmer in Sri Lanka. I am a miner in West Virginia. And he went on and on. He ended with "I am you."

For my life, I can also  add and I am a socialite, I am a power broker, I am a highly privileged woman. I say this because of some quirk of fate, I can pass into a society where, in spite of my radical politics, in spite of my deep sympathies for the oppressed and the poor of the earth, in spite of the fact that I dress totally haphazardly and flaunt conventions, I am accepted by the poor and the rich.

Last night we went to see the horse show at the Granada, Nicaragua Jockey Club. My friend had a neighbor who is a Chomorro/Sandino. We ran into her. Then we were seen by some of the other ruling class people. Then we somehow got introductions to various Ambassadors and the biggest horse owner in the country. Then we were introduced to a man who was the brother of someone very important here and he was a polo player. I remarked that I thought polo was a cool sport. He checked me out by asking where I had seen polo. I said there was a little club near my father's house. MYOPIA. Magic word. We were in the VIP tent being served food and drinks and introduced around.

Myopia trumped everything. I never did say that the only time I had set foot there was when they had their rare "open to the pubic" events. Weird. The horses were so insanely beautiful and the night so gorgeous, and I still recovering that I didn't even get around to making some of my rude remarks about how they can live with themselves and sleep at night when they think about what their bank was built on. And also, it is impossible these days to feel any righteousness as an citizen of the USA. We don't feel any different to me from these Central American countries except that we have so much more arms, power, disproportionate wealth, world wide enemies than they will ever dream of.

Coming Out of the Fog

I am not out yet but it is lifting. My fog was from malnutrition and fear, I guess. I understand a lot about other people's suffering now. I understand the sagging shoulders, the blank eyes, the lack of umph that I see in movies, on TV, and on the streets and sometimes in schools.

I had experienced hunger in the village I worked in in El Salvador. I had experienced hunger in a Guatemalan refugee camp in Chiapas. But in both those cases, I knew I was leaving and coming home to food. The last few months when I have been so sick, and declining by the day, my perspective changed.

So, the nutshell version. Last summer, I was tired a lot, but I am getting older and I didn't think too much about it. I also was hungry a lot, but then not very interested in the food when I made it. This past November when my son came to Nica to travel with me, I had some very bad days. I had smashing headaches and sometimes no energy and sometimes hyper energy.  I have always been pretty intuitive and certainly knew my own mind. I was ignoring my foggy intuitions and not knowing what I wanted. My head was in a perpetual fog.

I was so tired that it seemed like too much to go get food. I rented a house that was all wrong, because I was so desperate to lay my head down. I finally got a friend to go to the doctor with me. The first question he asked me was when I had last taken parasite medicine. (I've told you this before). He made some prescriptions for me. Two different medicines. By this time I could hardly eat. Because of my general depletion, I was getting infections at an alarming rate. I had an eye infection, a UTI, an infected tooth. I caught a cold. I started dropping weight really fast. I was 117 pounds. I dragged my sorry ass to the laboratory with the help of friends and had a bunch of tests. I still had parasites! I still had the bladder infection. I couldn't make a decision except to go to a different doctor.

He checked me our and prescribed round three of parasite meds, round three of antibiotics for my other shit, prescribed an ultrasound for the mass in my stomach, still loosing weight. No brains, Drunk landlady went berserk and I moved to a friend's house. The ultrasound guy said I needed an endoscopy and maybe an MRI. Thought maybe I has a tumor.

But then !!!the next parasite test came up clear. I could eat. And the healthy great food I had been eating all along started to feed me instead of the amoebas. Then with a little help, all my infections cleared up, and the endoscopy turned out to show advanced gastritis (a natural result of my infestation). I am on my way to getting my strength back. I am waking from the fog little by little. At this point I have postponed my funeral. (You would have liked it)

I read that more than 50,000,000 people world wide have bad parasites. I know that millions and millions of people are starving today. It is a terrible experience to starve for one person. When your mental faculties are effected, it is ten times worse. You just can't get anything right. We have to figure out how to feed each other and at the same time help each other recognize amoebas. (I had not one of the usual symptoms) and get them before they get us.

The Victory of Coming to Peace with What You Can Not Change

My friend Sonja listens to live broadcasts of her Baptist minister in Amarillo, TX. The other night I joined her in front of her TV in Granada, Nicaragua. I had only two experiences in my life with the Baptist faith, reading Jimmy Carter and going to the Riverside Baptist Church in Harlem when it was so packed you couldn't get in.

This minister gave exactly the sermon I needed at exactly the moment I needed it. In a way, it was the same old stuff we think we know. "Let Go and Let God." But what was enlightening to me was his concept that after you had done all the actions you could, and after you had prayed, and seeing no change in the circumstance, that it is a great victory for the soul to come to peace with what is.

I have the feeling that for me it will take a lot of practice. I am trying to learn patience and that's not going so well. I have been practicing forgiveness and I am getting better and better at that, but to feel victory and peace in ugly or uncomfortable or hateful circumstances, that has been a tough one. But something in me likes the concept of victory in peace. It makes it much more alive. So I will practice this.

I thought afterward about our current political stand off in the USA. Lincoln's knowledge that "A house divided against itself can not stand." has been popping into my mind lately. OK, so we have these presidential elections and in nearly every election, almost half the country is bitterly disappointed. So for four years they are stuck with whomever won. So, if our Congress men and women love our country, we should seek the victory of being at peace with the election result and in the victory of acceptance do everything possible to work together to make this a better place for all.

Pie in the sky? Or, maybe, the only way to victory, the only way to keeping USA together. Enmity seems to make the antagonist stronger. I have seen that very recently when a woman here in Granada was loosing her shit. For those around her, the temptation was very strong to yell back, argue, be righteously 'right'. It was a slam dunk. But it was also obvious that that is what she wanted. She wanted a big fight. Being denied that just made her look crazy all by herself. The hard won victory of being at peace with ugliness.

I think we all need to experience victory. Gandhi experienced victory bringing down the British Empire in India. He never resorted to the violence used by his opposition. Christ seemed to have made a great victory over those who persecuted him by acceptance and forgiveness.

There is a lot of subtext here, but if I start to tell the story about this woman I will be back in it. I will try harder and harder to accept what I can not change and find a little more peace in my heart.

many comments coming at me, consensus: I was wrong.

My readers were very quick to tell me almost unanimously that I was wrong to think that it takes two sides to create an asshole. The consensus is  that there are objective assholes, and there are books and studies to prove it.

I hold my ground. I am a purist. I also have to agree with the Buddhist philosophy that you can't be sort of pregnant. Either you are or you are not. If a jerk keeps showing up in your life, even the guy next door who plays his music too loud, you have some karma about noise. Check your karma.  I have mentioned before that Lama Marut says that smoking does not cause cancer. If it did, then everyone who smokes would get cancer. Karma causes cancer. The very same karma that causes your cancer, may cause you to smoke thus creating something that looks like cause and effect. So, I hold my stand that if everyone who meets or knows a person does not think they are a jerk, then we have to look at ourselves and figure out how to let go of our karma that makes that person seem like a jerk to us every time.

I was an asshole to my sister Mary time and again when we were kids. Mary was very quick to temper, and reacted physically. She would shove, or strike out. I was very clever with words and able to be much more subtle. I used to quietly say something to Mary as I walked behind her. She would hear my provoking words and jump up and be really mad at me. My parents would both call her out on her bad behavior and send her to her room. I would sit there innocently gloating. I was a real jerk, bully, ..all that stuff.

Don't dislike me for this, I was a kid, but I still have to curb my mouth when it wants to show off its power. Sometimes I am so righteous, I can't stand myself.

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David Kirk commented on your link. David wrote: "Self fulfilling prophecy, sort of - "The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the original false conception come 'true'. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.V David Kirk commented on your link. David wrote: "I guess my point is that's how you know if people are really assholes - watch how they drive, or behave on the Internet, or anywhere they think they're not accountable. I had a mathematician PhD friend who designed surveys and did stats for a living and she once built in questions (for kicks) that decided conclusively that only about 1/2% of people were unmitigated assholes, 5% were mitigated assholes, and more like 10% were assholes when they thought themselves anonymous while the next 25% were jerkish, in that last category. Oddly, it gives me hope."       David Kirk commented on your link. David wrote: "Karma was originally less of a grand notion related to sort of "spiritual baggage" and more about the golden rule - do good be nice and usually that will be reciprocated by those around you and visa-versa. The big thing I'm hung up on is how someone can drive 55 in a school zone, whip around you, flip you off, but then step out of their car and be completely civilized? People think they're invisible inside their cars."

Expanding and Moderating my Asshole Theory of Human Behavior

As I have said before, I made this theory sometime in High School that "Assholes spend their lives proving that they are assholes." I am going to look at this from another direction and see what my part in this dynamic is.

I did not consider the notion that people I consider to be assholes often aren't thought of as such by other people. Oops. That has to mean that there is no objective assholery involved. Therefore, at least part of the situation has to be coming from me. Never did think of that. I have made some profound gaps in logic in my lifetime. I have been a loyal devotee to some of my theories, finding proof for them over and over.

This afternoon, I was writing off an acquaintance with this thinking and was struck by the thought that my graven image of her placed her in a role in relation to me that was fixed and unmovable. Of course, I was going to find proof for my theory each time I encountered her. From my side, I was a set up for her. My thoughts, my flippant attitude, my "I could care less." attitude condemned our future encounters.

How many of these Groundhog Day scenarios does each of us have running through our lives? "That guy is always rude.", "She has no sense of humor.", "He's a jerk." (expansions to other graven images), but all coming from my judgement and excusing my role in the interactions. I am not saying one should have no memory, no discernment, no canny. If someone is dangerous, or hateful, or hurtful, of course we should avoid them at all costs. I am talking about the dismissive little tapes that can pop up. So, if the other person isn't always a jerk, in fact can be seen by others as a good friend, then I can let go of my part of the karma that makes our interaction jerky.

I think this is under the heading of "Change the way I see him." If I change my thinking to compassion for the other person and the difficulties they face, it is hard to see him as a jerk at the same time.

I have gone a bit theoretical here, but I get my drift. I think we can transform many, many petty feelings into neutral feelings and be released from dumb, habitual traps of thoughts and little karmic entrapments.

My conversation with Michael Moore

Michael Moore

I am now in Week 42 of my walks. Each day, 30 minutes, that's it. Thousands of you have joined me since that Sunday night on March 18 when, as a joke, I said I was going for a walk. I had read that morning in the paper that there were now more people in the U.S. on anti-depressants than those who go to the movies. I tweeted out that maybe that's the problem -- perhaps if people got out and went to the movies more they might feel better. This unleashed a lively conversation about mood-aletering drugs, the lousy movies these days in theaters, the rip-off prices for 3D films, etc. Finally, someone wrote: "Sometimes I think what I need is just a brisk walk." I tweeted, "Hey, there's an idea! I'm putting my shoes on right now." I went out and came back home after 30 minutes -- and a few hundred of you had amazingly joined me where you live. So I went walking the next night, probably out of some sort of obligation because so many had written to say "please let's do it again tonight!" So I did. And the night after that. By the end of the week it was hard to determine how many thousands were now going out with me on these "virtual walks" in hundreds of cities and towns, but it had taken off like a rocket and so we all went walking every night from that point on.

Now it's 250 days later. What a simple, great idea that person had! Some have asked, "Why are we walking?" "What's the cause?" There is no cause other than to go for a walk. We do it just because it feels good. We do it because we can. We do it because it's free and it takes no time. All you need to know is how to put one foot in front of the other (or, for the disabled who've joined in, by any means necessary). It's the perfect slacker/schlub activity.

I am often asked "How much weight have you lost from all this walking?" For a while I didn't understand the question. I mean, why would I want to lose anything? I have enough trouble finding my keys! Then I got it -- skinny people (1/3 of the country) want us, the majority, to be like them. That's so nice of them.

But the truth is, exercise does not work, diets do not work, feeling crummy does not work. Nothing works. My advice: Quit trying to be something you're not, be happy with the life you've been given, and just go for a pleasant walk outside. With me. Wherever you are. Get off the treadmill, stop drinking diet Coke, throw out all the rules. It's all a scam and it conspires to keep you miserable. If it says "low-fat" or "sugar-free" or "just 100 calories!" throw it out. Remember, one of the main tenets of capitalism is to have the consumer filled with fear, insecurity, envy and unhappiness so that we can spend, spend, spend our way out of it and, dammit, just feel better for a little while. But we don't, do we? The path to happiness - and deep down, we all know this -- is created by love, and being kind to oneself, sharing a sense of community with others, becoming a participant instead of a spectator, and being in motion. Moving. Moving around all day. Lifting things, even if it's yourself. Going for a walk every day will change your thinking and have a ripple effect. You'll find yourself only eating when you're truly hungry. And if you're not hungry, go clean your room, or have sex, or call a friend on the phone. Without knowing it, you'll starting eating like the French (there is no French word for "fast-food") -- and you will feel better. You do not feel better admonishing yourself or beating yourself up or setting up a bunch of unrealistic rules and goals with all the do's and dont's that are just begging to be broken. You wanna know something? I eat ice cream every friggin' day. I drink a regular Coke every single day. I put butter on things. But I also walk every day. Some days now, I walk twice. And now I've started to do some push-ups and lifting stuff. It's building muscle, and in doing so, has created an extra furnace to burn stuff and create energy. Weird! That, in turn, makes me sleep 7-8 hours a night which is another game-changer. And all the walking and lifting makes me thirsty, so that makes me drink more water -- another huge plus!

So, you can see from the photo of me up in the box that something has changed. I have no idea how much weight I've lost and I don't care. I don't care about that or diets or home gym equipment or rules about what I can or cannot eat or anything other than making sure I go on my walk today. That's it. That's the big secret. It costs nothing. I feel great. I can see my feet! There they are! Hello, feet! Wanna go for a walk? The feet say YES! Ask yours right now. And if you want, join me. But do NOT go on that walk with me if you are doing so to "get fit", "be healthy", or "lose weight". You are fine just the way you are. Only walk outside with me right now because you know it might just feel good, because it's a beautiful day, or someone is joining in with you, the fresh air is invigorating, you have to drive down to the drug store but you realize you can walk there, or simply because it's just nice to be alive for one more day. Walk to walk and nothing else -- and the other stuff will take care of itself.

I'm heading outside in an hour. Join me. And let me know how it went!

So Michael, I just think this is the stuff of a new guru emerging. So simple, so easy, so real. When I walk with you it really isn't to pick you brains for new and exciting ideas or feedback about all our problems. But the fact of the matter is that you are one of a the people who can really blow my mind. Some of your movies and books have been so yummy. And your fabulous ability to turn the stuff of politics into art! That's cool. And now just what we all need, just when we need it. No one wants to be depressed. No one wants bad sleep. We really do want to embrace life! So, when I walk with you, I don't need any conversation; that would be another pressure. I  am happy to just be alongside another friend on the journey of life.

Good Advice.... Any Day, Any Problem......

Stand

Face the sun

Turn your face up

Open your arms wide

Spread your fingers wide

Breathe

Give her to god

These are words from a dear friend that came to me today, just as I was hungry for them. The 'her' can be any piece of the whole enchilada, any person in our orbit, or even a great huge problem like the Palestine situation. We all know this. I think a lot of life is dedicated to granting us opportunities to remember that we do all we can in any situation and then we have to let go of the outcome. 

Earlier today I was feeling overwhelmed. Now I am not. The arrival of this message, a little acupuncture from Louis, visits with good friends and a day of lying around watching the banana trees wave in the breeze can do wonders.

Getting Healthy/ Staying Healthy

This is hard stuff. It is hard to know what to do. It is really hard to know when to see a doc and when to listen to the doc and whether or not you will be making yourself better or worse by doing so or by not doing so.

My first appearance in this world was so fast and easy that I was born in the caul just as my mother arrived at the hospital.  So, this was not a bit traumatic for me as I was protected by the lovely sac of amniotic fluid. However, the hospital had a process and the proceeded to do their thing. So, after I was already born, they shaved my mom, gave her an enema and administered Scopolomine. That was the nasty drug called Twilight Sleep. Mom said you could feel every pain but were in some kind of nightmare haze where you couldn't function. I remind you that all this was to help with childbirth usually necessitating the need for forceps because the mother couldn't push. I was already born when all this came to Mom. She got this treatment because it was standing orders.

I escaped all that. My next medical experience came when I was brought to Children's Hospital in Boston to have two tiny birthmarks removed. One was on my face, one on my left bicep. Wonder of wonders, they were removed by the radiation. I was left with a pit in my arm where the muscle never grew and a large circle of skin was discolored. Oops. When I was about 24, my parents got a call from Children's that they were tracking down the kids that had had my treatment because our group seemed to all be getting thyroid cancer. They wanted me to come in for x-rays to check my thyroid. I thought that sounded almost too stupid to contemplate. What if they made another 'oops'?

When I was 17 I had an awful tooth ache and my Mom was at work. I went to the family dentist and he pulled the tooth. After he pulled it out, he looked at it and said," Oh shucks, I could have saved that one."

But fortunately all this was little stuff. I was fortunate. I had great health and a good middle class family. I was taken care of.

"Saturday Night Live" used to have a segment called "Lower Expectations". That was sort of my trajectory financially. For most of my life I had no health insurance nor did my kids. Once, I lived in Marblehead, MA, I felt a small lump in my breast. I went to the walk-in clinic and had a breast x-ray (here we go again!). The doctor said, "I am going to get you in for a biopsy tomorrow morning and we'll decide things from there." I told him I had no health insurance. He said, "Well, keep an eye on it and if it is still bothering you, come by in a few months." My good luck, I had a friend who was a doc and he checked it out and I was fine. Lower expectations.

The thing is that I have been healthy and lucky. I, of course know hundreds of people who have had spectacular help from doctors. Of course. I have seen medical miracles. But my question is how do you know when something is a fad, a standing order, a completely off base, terrible diagnosis? How do you know when less is better? Is it luck? Karma? Getting your own medical education body part by body part?

Once I drove my shit box car to visit my friend and mentor, John Gardner. He looked at the fabric showing through my bald tires.  As he bought me new tires, I said I thought they were looking better that morning when I set out. He said, "Julie, tires never get better." Point well taken. Maybe that has to be my medical measuring stick. If it gets better with or without the help of a doctor, well, yea. If it doesn't, change something in the program.

from my friend Brad

HUMANITY

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, said:

"Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;
The result being that he does not live in the present or the future;
He lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

I Want Happiness

My daughter said today that she was reading or listening to some Buddhist teaching about Happiness, (aren't they all?) and it broke down the simple sentence, "I want Happiness." Well, the "I" is ego. Not necessary, in fact, an impediment to Happiness. The "want" is about desire, in fact, it really implies lack. To the subconscious the message is certainly "lack". So the mantra that was being proposed was "Happiness." She said that saying that word over and over brought a smile to her face.

I like simple. Happiness. I like the thought that uttering a word can bring a smile to your face. Happiness. I like the idea of a meditation making you happy. Happiness. I like that my daughter is teaching me Buddhism. Happiness. I like smiling. Happiness. I like the fact that the mantra is in a language I am familiar with. Happiness.

Then she expanded, and mentioned that by saying "Love" over and over, she started to feel an increase in her sensation of love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. I am smiling. I hope you are also. I wish you much love and happiness now and forever more. Happiness. Love.