I Forgive Myself and Those Who Hurt Me

I am coming to think that forgiveness is just another muscle we need to exercise in order to keep strong. If we practice forgiveness on the little things, then we are in practice when the heavy stuff comes up.

We all know and we all read that this business about forgiveness is much better for us than resentment, holding grudges, letting old stuff eat away at our cells and our spirit. But we all know when we are being/have been wronged and we cop a righteous attitude and hold onto our burning coals while running around crying "Ouch!"

Years after my divorce, I was in a friend's house in Oregon. My kids were in varying stages of disappointment or resentment with their father and I was getting pissed off. Some little, long forgotten passage in White Eagle's Quiet Mind came to mind. I had read that I needed to forgive myself and the offending party. My anger was like a brick wall that light couldn't come through and I couldn't climb over.

So, I sat down in the living room and said, "I forgive myself for my part in this sad situation." It takes two to tango. "What goes around comes around." And then I did so with my ex. I proclaimed it. I did not feel it. Then I had to redo a few times. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel. I didn't know if it could work. I just did it.

At first I felt nothing. So, I went on with my day, vowing to do the practice again after lunch. Lunch was delayed because I got three phone calls, one from each of my children. They were in varying stages of excitement and disbelief. Their dad had called each of them and apologized for his seeming neglect of them and asked whether they could move forward onto a better relationship. I felt a fifteen year burden lift off my shoulders.

This could not happen. This did happen. I had a little cry and thanked the goddesses for this miracle. This was way more than I was hoping for in my little practice.

Today, I am practicing again. I have some active hot coals to let go of. But, I am going to back up and forgive right now the people and their actions which I am finding annoying. I forgive myself. I forgive M., R., and so on. I am proclaiming this and not feeling it.  But I know that I can knock down brick walls and years of hurt. I am doing this right now as I write.