Often I can see the future. Right now I am blocking the intuition that is trying to come through. This is not good because it leaves in its place that bad feeling. That bad feeling that something is going to happen that I am not ready for. My mind can create a list of possibilities that is endless. They pop up all the time, unbidden. My heart is heavy. It is not that broken feeling, just a heavy one. (maybe it is physical and I am having mini strokes or working up to a heart attack) I am distracted. I forget to wait for my change at the market. I go to bed without brushing my teeth.
I guess I know what it is about, but these other things keep coming up as possibilities; earthquake in San Francisco..never see my grand daughter who lives there again, war in the Middle East, real war, not one giant against a mouse losing my debit card and all my friends being unreachable. That kind of random shit.
So I am trying to be grateful for everything, stay in the moment, focus my mind. The moment couldn't be better. Had a great day yesterday. It is a stunning morning, not a cloud in the sky. My belly is full and not protesting. I downloaded what promises to be a really good book and I will swim this afternoon. Yet, impending doom. It is not exactly random anxiety, but when there is nothing you can do to change the situation, it is a serious discipline to stay in the moment. To know as well as to remember that "all things work for the good for those who love God".
It is the challenge of every parent to let their child live his/her own karma. But the proof is in the pudding. Can I do it? I am here today in this limbo. I am a good action person, but when I can't see an action, I come to a dead stop. And the sure sign is I don't want to be distracted. I don't want to go to the movies or dancing, and my solitaire game is off some thing wicked. Restless, anxiousness with good cause isn't ultimately any different from the same feelings without good cause. They are a waste of energy and a waste of the moment.
I don't mean for this to be a moan, I am just letting you know my challenge for today. I don't know who my readers are, but I do know that there are thousands of you and I am so grateful to have people who will be with me during my ups and downs. I'm guessing you all have had a few experiences of your own and you are still alive and very much functioning, so there is a lot of inspiration coming towards me. gracias, amigos.
Come Home for Christmas...to Ariels... or here.
ReplyDeleteSometimes its best to be with your family world traveler. Watch the video I sent you.
Big Love Jules
Bless Up Jules! Yes, ruff ruff sometimes "living in the moment"..
ReplyDeletehaving my own open mind successes does not negate the happenings of my children's lives. Love & Light to Joe, his Mama crossed over sometime during the night. Give Thanks & Praise for each & every moment of incredible life. love love
Hi Julie - I woke up this morning needing to hear Julie speak. When I read this blog, I fell strange. Mike is heavily living in this 'impending doom' that you refer to. He is so depressed, that he says the only thing worse than 12/21/12 being the end of the world is it NOT being the end of the world. I am doing the busy -ness thing to fend off my feelings about living here, in these times, where I watch 30 -something guys wearing expensive sunglasses pushing shopping carts full of their stuff down the street. I'm not judging them - in so many ways we are all byproducts of this culture. I mean, who could have known he wouldn't have a job when he bought those sunglasses?
ReplyDeleteI am clearly rambling.
My friend Avril is technically? literally? by choice? homeless. She has been staying with us in the COLD! and other friends and now for a week visiting her family. She paid 30 $ credit check for 4 or 5 places whose rent (1200 and up) would be a constant struggle of coming up with creative ways to supplement her preschool teacher income. So she decided to stop searching, stay with friends, visit her family for a week, and re - visit the idea of having her own place in the new year. WTF. Also, a friend is keeping her stuff in my shed (lots of boxes) because her landlord of the house she had lived in for 23 years doubled the rent. Doubled. Gave her a month to leave. She is also staying with friends and visiting her storage shed, downsizing and looking for a smaller place that she can afford.
My impending doom feelings are that our landlord, too, will raise the rent when the lease is up in July. He can - enter my xenophobic comment here -- Mike's boss just sold a house in PA for 2.7 million dollars. Same size as ours; smaller lot. I get flyers on my door regularly detailing how much houses around mine sold, encouraging me to sell mine. WTF. Not a very stable feeling. ANd yes, the anxiety trickles down to the kids.
OK, on a positive (?) note: THe other day, a man was standing at the end of my driveway, gesturing to the house and talking with his friend. It turns out he and his family lived in our house - bought it in 1942 for 2000$. He said they had chickens on the right side of the house where ours are today, and a victory garden in back when the war was over. Said the roads were dirt and it was a farm house with no houses around it.
This is the image I woke up with this morning, and I'm trying to let it inspire me to live my values... BUt I tell you, I feel like the littlest gerbil compared to the Goliath of this culture. ARGH...
Love you, Julie!